Murder

"Not being able to love fully, they will believe your love is incomplete"- Charles Bukowski

I have been afraid to show my real feelings, my weaknesses since I met you. You told me to trust no one, but me; to trust nobody, not even you. But the truth is I have always trusted you, even after you had left.
You made me open my eyes. You taught me to show myself strong to the others. That's why I feel so ruined inside now. I lost many "friends" thanks to your lessons. The world is so cruel... without their masks I feel so lonely...
You told me you'll be there, but you suddenly left. Was it my fault? Was it yours? I don't know, I don't really care anymore, because the only thing that my animalic instincts tell me to do is to kill the ones with the fault. Right: those two guys. But I don't... want to go to jail... yet.
I wish you watched over me. You once said you'll wait for me forever, but I blinked and you were gone.
I am so strong now. Like a god, I feel. But I, hahaha, wait a minute. I am.
If you had seen through me in these moments, you would have noticed how bad your absence poisoned me. I was an empty corpse with a smile on it's face and, oh, so many knives in it's hands.
I keep smiling, because I realised how weak you are. Egoist or not, full of hate or not, you'll die if you are alone. That's why you are chasing people. You are so scared, little soul. I read you well.
You see.. I have always been lonely in this life.
Should I kill her? Should I kill you?

Mom

    It wasn't supposed to be like this. You died in front of me. You stood there, just breathing, on the floor, and me, just like the fool I am, I was watching. I thought you were sleeping. I wanted to believe that you were sleeping. I am stupid. I am so stupid. But there was the kiddo, too. She wasn't so worried, like me, but I knew she was afraid. I tried to entertain her. I called everyone, but everyone was busy.
    In that night, I heard the train. Yes, you always came with those trains. Now, you were leaving. Up or down? Is there really something? I'm depressed. I'm bipolar. You're disappointed. You called me crazy for crying all the time during the wrangle. You were always angry on me, because I was never good enough for your expectation. You were also listening to his lies. He made you hate me, You started regretting me.You wanted to k
    But now I'm thinking that this is the way things work. My life is getting better. My grades are better now just because of me. I still have wounds and there are still those people who want the inheritance. I don't care about it. I just want to find happiness, because I'm so tired.
    I broke a heart of glass into pieces and I'm not sorry, because I know that it's ghost is haunting me, wishing me bad luck. Then I found love where wasn't supposed to be. But I am a pistanthrophobe: I tripped and the heart fell down, in the mud. I'm looking for amber.
    Are you by my part? I want to believe that you're protecting me, but I'm already done. Haha! Look at me: I'm writing with spray on the walls. I'm talking to them. I know You're disappointed.
    I want to find peace.

Fault? I don't think so...

    They are everywhere. They pretend to know what I need and how I feel just through talking to me. I'm such a good actress. They think I'm happy, but they don't know that behind my eyes and my smile, which are actually a mask, stands my depression, my bipolarity. It seems so real.
    Society is controlled by it's own interests, so these human beings push me and tell me that I should move on faster, but I'm afraid I'm not like them. I don't want to let go. Yet. I want hope and memories, sadness, depression, and tears, because this (the emotion) is what makes us humans.
    I want a break. They don't understand, so they're ignoring me, they're sending me text messages on my mobile: just requests. They need my help. Irony, irony, irony, everywhere irony. But I know this is my fault. I wanted this. I wanted to keep it real and I failed. It's only my fault. Or it's my only fault?
    What to do? What to do?
    It's been a moth and two days since then.

Saptamana 1: Liceul

Entuziasm. Pixuri. Clasă. Manuale. Ură. Profesori. Formare. Revoltă. Emoţie. Gânduri. Prieteni. Plecare. Adolescent. Sentiment. Cerneală. Notă. Carte. Bani. Catalog. Bacalaureat. Eseu. Problemă. Informaţii utile sau nu. Vise şi visuri. Medie. Bancă. A studia vs A învăţa. Creion. Voluntariat. Proiecte. Teză. Diplomă. Admitere. Stres. Profesie. Nehotărâre. Anxietate. Bârfă. Test. Entuziasm. Copiuţe. Prima iubire. Şcoală. Liceu.

Manifesto

    I AM STUCK INSIDE A WORLD I HATE.
    I tried to be someone else, but, I guess, it didn't work. Now everybody is angry on me and I don't know what to do next.
    I am so confused. They said that I have always been like this; so I'm wondering if I finally found myself. Lonely. Wild. Uncontrollable. Bipolar. Vindictive. Breakable and Unbreakable.
    Forced by society to seeonly my flaws, I can't make a move in this little cell, called mind. They saw that my mentality is different; they're trying to catch me, to change it. Tell me. Tell me how that works.*
    8 billions types of humans. I can't be you. You can't be me.** In a world whose motto is "Diversity", we are all forced to be alike: controllable and previsible. That always seemed so trivial, embarassing and ridiculous to me.
    "Money can't bring you happiness, but it's better to cry in a luxury house, than on the street", isn't it? Can you notice it now? They made us consumers. We gain the happiness, they take the money, and so we destroy the planet: the nature and the human nature.
    They also told me that my mentality is childish, because I hate almost everything about this fucked up world. They even told that I must act like an adult, even I'm still a teen, or act like I don't care about this directed society.  Some of them even spoke to me just to say that I should kill myself. Well, maybe they're right. I don't know. "Try to live on", they said. "Try to live on!". Yeah, I'm actually trying, but I can't do this. Why don't you teach me?! Stop yelling at me and start teaching me. Oh, you can't? Why?

•     Now you're telling the guys with mentall illnesses, like OCD, depression or bipolar disorder, that is their fault they are like this! Let me tell you something: We Are Like This Because Of You! Stop bullying. We die because of this thing, you know? You are also afraid of LGBT people. Are you, more exactly, afraid of gay men, because they make you wondering if they have the power to rape you, like you rape a woman? Or because of your "God"? But you also hate women and feminists, because you consider them sexual toys because of the single part of their body (yeah, you don't care about the intelect) that matters to you? Are you even a human being? I guess not.

    You are the change...
PS- I have never been good at the beginning or at the end of something, so, please, consider that this is the conclusion.
*-Unravel, OP of "Tokio Ghoul"
**- Paper Towns, John Green